(General Menace grabs hold of the offending model piece and attempts to wrench it from his master’s hand)

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Carry on.

Well, it’s your latest requisition order Sir, Harmony, your Secretary had me look it over as she was confused. I’ve taken a look myself and, frankly, I’m confused as well.

(The two men tussle on the floor, trying to unglue the Doctor’s fingers)

What’s the problem with it? Dammit, this isn’t working. How about you try and pull it the other way?

(Doctor Sinister’s mast is now well and truly stuck to his hand)

Errr, OK. Anyway Sir, we’re confused about item 374.

The cat food?

No Sir, that’s item 372. I’m well aware of your fondness for your feline friends, although how they are going to get through ten tons of Premium KatChunks in a month is beyond me…

So what’s item 374?

An order for eight hundred vacuum cleaners, to be issued to the newly formed Upright Battalion? Hang on, I’ve got it…

(There is a loud snapping noise as the glued piece finally comes free)

Oh thanks for that. Item 374 you say? Ah yes, that’s connected to item 86.

My Lord, item 86 is an order for three thousand cluster bomb munitions. Erm…oh dear, I seem to have pulled one of your fingers off.

Cluster bombs, that’s right. Oh, so you have. Hang on, let me get to the phone.

Sir, perhaps I am missing something, but what do vacuum cleaners have to do with cluster bombs?

(Doctor Sinister picks up the telephone on his desk)

Harmony. Yes it’s me. Doctor Sinister. Your Boss. Yes, the one with the eyepatch. Get me the Cybernetics Department please. Tell them it’s urgent.

(Doctor Sinister tries to hangs up the ‘phone but it’s stuck to his hand. He looks back to the General)

I’m not having a very good day.

No my Lord.

Anyway General, it’s quite simple, the vacuum cleaners will be used to clean up after the carpet bombing.

Oh…my…Sir, do you mind if I take a seat?

Please do.

(Doctor Sinister smashes the handset on the desk until it breaks free, taking another robotic finger with it)

Sir, when we talk about carpet bombing, we don’t literally mean carpets.

We don’t?

No Sir, Who told you we did?

Clive in the munitions depot.

I think he’s been pulling your leg Sir. Carpet bombing is a term used to refer to high-altitude intensive bombing of a target or a piece of land, the intent being to totally obliterate the region. It doesn’t refer to floor coverings. The first target to be area-bombed in such a way was Guernica in Spain during their Civil War. A few years later during World War II, London was subjected to massive bombing raids with entire districts plastered with high explosive or incendiary bombs. The American and British air forces inflicted wholesale destruction of some entire German cities in the later stages of the war including the infamous firestorm that destroyed Dresden. And then more recently carpet bombing came to the forefront again during the Vietnam war. Most recently, B-52 bombers were used to attack the Iraqi National Guard during the first Gulf War.

(Doctor Sinister picks up the shattered remains of the telephone again)

Harmony. It’s me again. Yes I know I keep ringing you but you’re my Secretary, that’s your job. Get onto the Imperial Guard and tell them to head out to the munitions depot – I want that chap Clive arrested and brought to me immediately. Yes, I’m the guy with the eyepatch. Oh, and one more thing, get me a new telephone.

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