The Incorrect Art of War [Episode 08] - Guerrillas in the Midst

A J Summersgill and Jim H Moreno | July 11, 2005  | 0 comments  | Print  | E-mail

That’s great! The entire selection I asked for?!

Yes, all of them. A whole shipping container of them. I knew you’d be pleased.

Your Excellence, all is forgiven. With a suitable supply of cigars, I promise never to complain again.

Good show old chap! So then…onto my new plan!

Yes! Lay it on me Sir. I’m eager to hear what it might be. I’m also intrigued about the vast numbers of bananas the base appears to be housing. I think it’ll take me some time to clean the gunk off of my boots.

(Hand hovers near the curtain) It’s food for my new army.

Erm…OK. I can see how that might work - valuable source of potassium. But…

General, I took your advice and read up on some military history. Well, I say read up, I rented a few videos and left them playing whilst I slept - it’s amazing how much your brain learns whilst you’re asleep you know.

I’ll take your word for it my Lord.

(Doctor Sinister sweeps the curtain aside to reveal a cage containing several large and enraged Gorillas forcibly and untidily dressed in Army fatigues and combat boots)

General - I present to you, my Gorilla Army!

Oh. My. God.

I knew it! You’re lost for words aren’t you? Go on, admit it!

Erm…

(Shouts over the sound of an angry male Gorilla who begins to beat his chest and rattle the cage) You see I was listening to this thing all about the Vietnam war and some other stuff in Africa somewhere and this recurring theme of Gorilla warfare kept coming up.

Yes but…

…and apparently it’s possible to actually win a war with these things! Incredible eh? I sent men to target zoos all around the world to bring these guys here - we’ll soon have a Gorilla force to be reckoned with.

Your Supremacy…

I’m surprised no-one’s thought about it before. When we start to breed these things, we’ll become all powerful!!

Master, I really must…

Sydney Zoo had twenty of the beasts - that’s almost an entire Platoon!! Didn’t even think of using them like this - that’s why I’m the genius. Oh yes.

Sir, please…

Keep your hands away from the cage though - I lost three guards this morning, those Gorillas really love their bananas.

(Having to shout as the trapped Gorillas start to beat and kill each other very loudly) My Lord, above and beyond the greatest of all due respect, I fear you’ve made a terrible mistake.

How so?

Those videos weren’t talking about big hairy Gorillas, they were taking about Guerrillas - irregular troops, partisans, small units of men living in mountains or forests or in the bush striking at larger formations of enemy troops. It’s not the same thing at all. It’s a different word entirely.

What? You’re joking - it took me weeks to get enough of these animals together.

I’m deadly serious your Excellence. The term Guerrilla comes from the Spanish word "guerra" meaning war. It’s used to describe small combat units. Guerrillas operate in small cells, often behind enemy lines within occupied territory. It’s a classic example of asymmetric warfare.

Can we get some of these asymmetric things then?

It’s not a thing, it’s a type of war - where one side is much larger than the other or where one side has a particular disadvantage that they must overcome.

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