The Incorrect Art of War [Episode 05] - Operation Icebox of Death

A J Summersgill, Jim H Moreno and Brian King | April 02, 2005  | 0 comments  | Print  | E-mail

A picture of the British Isles framed in a toilet seat?

No no no no no. NO! It’s ICE! A ring of ice! An impenetrable barrier!

Sir, I really think I need to sit down for a bit.

Can I get you a drink?

Scotch. And make it two.

Barman! One Shirley Temple for the General if you please! With one of those little umbrellas…

(Another sigh) Thank you Sir.

You see, my plan has been made possible through our intelligence services, for we have a captured enemy spy on the island that provided us with this miraculous material!

We have a spy here? Now?

Oh yes, would you like to question her?

Well, My Lord, I’m not really into interrogations. I’ll wait to read the official report.

Oh don’t be silly, this is more of a social visit. She has already told us all we need to know.

(The General grabs his drink, and follows the good Doctor to a small tiki hut, which is doubling as the interrogation chamber for this island. When he walks in, he is greeted by a near empty room containing a small table with some tea cups, a beat-up briefcase, a small doll in the far chair, and some other non-essentials. Nothing that would indicate a prisoner, or interrogation…)

Your Supremacy, I think we are in the wrong hut.

What? Oh don’t be ridiculous. Please sit down.

Interesting. Are you aware that this doll has what appears to be a burning cigar in it’s hand? A rather fine brand I might add…

(Coughs) Ahhh, yes, a filthy habit – it must be a holdover from our conversation earlier. Let me just get rid of that.

Well, yes, I could dispose of – oh, you’ve thrown it out of the window.

Where were we? Yes, this is the spy we captured. (Doctor Sinister points at the doll.)

The doll?

Yes, the doll.

(General Menace gulps down his drink in one take, then stares at the doll.)

I see you find it as intriguing as I do. Her tag says her name is “Miss Smarty Pants”, but we caught on to her game pretty fast, since she couldn’t destroy her briefcase before coming ashore.

Right. How foolish of her.

In it, we found plans for a massive Aircraft Carrier made from this super strong ice-based material called “Pie Treat”. The printing on those plans was somewhat water-smudged, but my scientists are confident they have deciphered it all correctly. Anyway, this Pie Treat will allow us to build –

Sir, if I may interject, I’m sure the scientists are wrong. I believe those plans in fact referring to a substance called pykecrete, created by an Allied scientist named Geoffrey Pyke. The Allies had drawn up plans to use this very same material back in World War II to construct invincible and unsinkable ice Aircraft Carriers which were intended to give the Allies supremacy of the seas.

Ahhh, so you’ve interrogated our spy already have you? I can see that I’ve underestimated you once again General…

Not at all, Your Magnificence, these plans have been around for about 60 years. Not only did the plan never really get off the proverbial drawing board, but it was deemed so expensive that it was shelved in favor of building a fleet of conventional ships instead – ships which still helped the Allies win the war I might point out. And, while your plan is quite brilliant of course…

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