Good, perhaps now we can work out why H.A.T.E. suggested this little field trip.

Subscribe Today

• Subscribe to Armchair General Magazine
• Subscribe online and save nearly 40%!
 

Well, I can only imagine he, erm, it wanted us to follow up on some basic historical lessons – after all, if we’re going to conquer the world, we need to make sure we don’t repeat the mistakes of the past.

Indeed General. I just hope my cats are OK.

They are fine sir, I left instructions with two of my finest men to ensure that they were fed and..erm…entertained regularly. Last time I saw your cats however they were amusing themselves by trying to eat the metal infiltration spiders H.A.T.E. invented.

Well, as long as they are happy. I wish I could say the same for myself…

Sir?

It’s my robotic arm – it’s been playing up lately.

Bit of a twinge?

Not quite. I woke up the other morning to find my arm scribbling down notes on a pad. By itself.

I see. This is somewhat alarming.

You’re telling me, the day after that I awoke to find that it was finishing a Rubik’s Cube. Two days later I found myself dreaming of eggs and bacon to find that I was stood at the cooker and my arm had rustled up a full English breakfast for me. I wouldn’t mind so much but I hate mushrooms.

(Stifling a laugh) That’s so weird your Excellency – perhaps we should get maintenance to take a look at it? Have you a spare?

Not since we fled the island base, no. There’s more…I sometimes hear voices in my head at night…almost as if…no, it’s nothing. Let’s get back to the field trip – perhaps you can tell me what I’m supposed to be looking at?

Well my Lord, what you see arrayed before you is the Pearl Harbor Naval Shipyard. It’s a central base for the US Pacific Fleet.

Don’t say it like that.

Like what my Lord?

I can hear it in your voice – even when it’s not written down I can tell when you drop the "u".

Drop the "u" sir?

Yes, you Americans are all the same…none of you can spell…

I’m, sorry….I don’t follow…

It’s H…A…R…B…O…U…R – not H…A…R…B…O…R. Honestly, it’s really not that difficult…

It’s always been spelt without the extra "u". That’s American English for you.

Bah…it’s just sheer laziness if you ask me…why do you need to go around ruining a perfectly good language?

But…it’s more efficient to lose irrelevant letters…that extra "u" just isn’t needed…

Well it’s not good enough – I’m telling you now, when we take power, I’m going to have all your American books changed to proper English spellings…

As you say my Lord…

And I want all those roadsigns changed as well.

Indeed…but if we might return to reality for a moment…perhaps we should consider the mission at hand?

Ah, yes. The Harbour. Presumably we’re here to work out some kind of attack plan are we?

Well, it’s been done before…

It has? Interesting…

Oh yes, on December the 7th, 1941, carrier-launched planes and midget submarines operated by the Imperial Japanese Navy launched an attack on the base here.

Midget submarines? Where did they find the crew?

Errr…I don’t follow.

Well. midgets aren’t exactly common you know, they’d require special uniforms as well, sort of child-size combat fatigues…

Help Armchair General by bookmarking to