I see. So where do Bono and The Edge come into all of this?

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(The General holds his head in his hands, just as the image on the screen changes from a rocky ventilation shaft to a view of a large underground building)

Aha! Look General, the spider reveals its source!

Pause the screen! (The image is frozen) Hang on, I recognise that building, it’s one of the lowest buildings in the whole mountain complex – it houses the logic circuits of our friend H.A.T.E. here.

Which means…

H.A.T.E. is the one spying on us all the time – he’s working for the enemy!

+++ STATEMENT INCORRECT. +++

Really? Then explain yourself you bucket of bolts.

+++ YOUR MISSION IS TO CONQUER THE WORLD. +++

Correct.

+++ THIS UNIT IS PROGRAMMED TO ASSIST IN ANY WAY POSSIBLE. +++

And inventing robotic spiders is your way of helping is it?

+++ FIELD TRIAL OF NEW EQUIPMENT. PLEASE STATE YOUR ORDERS FOR THIS UNIT. +++

(Doctor Sinister and General Menace sit down and look at each other)

Is there anything this machine doesn’t do? It can help us win wars and invents its own equipment to allow us to spy on our enemies.

Kind of scary huh?

On the contrary, it makes our lives a lot easier – for one thing, I don’t need to pay it, for another, I’ll never lose a set of keys again.

Erm… I suppose so. And I guess we could do more than invent spiders, I mean, in the Cold War they had all sorts of outlandish equipment. One is reminded of the hollow nickel coins used by Soviet spy Rudolph Abel to transport microfilm. In World War 2, the predecessor to the CIA, the OSS, came up with numerous secret items for spying. In 1960 the CIA hatched a plan called Operation Mongoose to assassinate Fidel Castro by injecting an untraceable poison in his favourite brand of cigars. (Shudders) Man, I hate to see good cigars go to waste.

H.A.T.E, your orders are to mass-produce these spiders – by the end of the month, I want every world leader under 24 hour analysis. I’m not one to look a gift horse in the mouth General – it’s time we re-established ourselves as a world power and took what is rightfully mine! Oh, and have that memory card wiped!

(Doctor Sinister sweeps from the room dramatically and closes the door behind him. General Menace looks at his watch and waits patiently. The door opens again and the Doctor emerges)

My Lord, to save your blushes, I shall pretend that you didn’t just walk into a closet.

Thank you, General.

(Ten minutes later, Doctor Sinister sits astride his bed, once more conducting his orchestra through the entire Ring Cycle, a huge beaming smile on his face…while in the command room, General Menace pockets a small memory card with a wry chuckle)

Where will the metal spiders be deployed next?

What else is H.A.T.E. capable of?

And is President Bush really a cat after all?

Find out in the next incredulous episode of…The Incorrect Art of War!!

A J Summersgill and Jim Moreno.

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