The island?

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It was destroyed your Superiousness, but if you recall, we found ourselves a new base of operations.

We did?

Yes, don’t you remember?

The last thing I remember we were flying in a helicopter and we discovered a mountain.

Well, "discovered" is perhaps too generous a term your Majesty, we more sort of crashed into it when one of your cats jumped on my face.

They always do that, they like you. Why should it have been a problem this time?

I was the pilot.

(General Menace throws a quick look of disgust at the cats, who recoil and hiss before jumping off the bed and running to the corner of the room to stare intensely at the General, who returns an equally intense glare until realising they’re just cats.)

Did we survive?

Errr…demonstrably my Lord. We’ve been here for three weeks.

We have?

Look, perhaps I need to give you another shot, you’re clearly still confused. You took a bit of a knock in the crash.

Nonsense, it’s all coming flooding back. We found the mountain and then discovered a lovely Hotel situated on the slopes, and that’s where we are now.

No your Excellency, I’m afraid your subconscious is just making things up now. We’re still at the mountain, that much is true, but not on top of it, we’re inside it.

Inside it?

Yes. It’s just like we used to have it on the island – we’re in a disused top secret military installation deep inside a mountain. It really was an incredible stroke of luck. They even have cigars here!

I didn’t know you smoked?

(Sighs) My Lord, I suggest you eat the banana, get dressed and meet me outside in the corridor, I’ll show you around. Again.

Right-ho. (Holding up the banana skin) Get rid of this for me won’t you?

* * *

(Two hours later, with Doctor Sinister dressed and fed and having watched four whole episodes of Frasier on the TV, he meets an impatient General Menace in the hallway)

Well, what are we waiting for? Let’s go!

Your Excellency, are you sure you don’t remember any of this? This is the seventh time I’ve had to give you the tour.

It is?

Yes it is. I’ve even tried dosing your daily banana with memory-enhancing drugs, but they just don’t seem to work.

Oh I don’t eat those.

What?

Oh no, the bananas aren’t for me, I can’t stand them, the daily banana is for my cats, they love them.

(Gritting his teeth) Well, I’m sure it’ll all come back to you once I start to show you the facilities.

Actually, I think I know where to go already… (heads off to a door at one end of the corridor) This leads to the main entrance doesn’t it…

NO!!

(Doctor Sinister pulls aside the sliding door and steps through…to nothing. Hanging on for dear life, he hangs from the edge of the doorway above a seemingly bottomless shaft as the sliding door begins to close…)

Help!

(General Menace runs over and lifts the Doctor back into the corridor, firmly closing the door)

I meant to lock that.

You did?

Yes, it’s not the first time you’ve done it. Sagacity, respectfully, can I suggest that you simply follow me and don’t touch anything?

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