The Incorrect Art of War [Episode 21] - Beat Me In St Louis

A J Summersgill and Jim H Moreno | August 21, 2006  | 0 comments  | Print  | E-mail

It would, Sagacity, except that everyone else involved in the project was killed when our island base was destroyed.

Ah, yes, I forgot about that. Oh well, we’ll just have to shelve that idea for now. Maybe we’ll have to consider a more conventional conquest. If, as you say, the locals in these parts have never fought…it’ll be a walkover!

Well, that’s not strictly true, I mean, there was the American Civil War or course.

I see. And what was that all about?

Well, it’s complicated Excellency, but ostensibly it arose as a result of eleven southern states seceding from the Union to form the Confederate States of America.

And why did they do that?

Amongst other things, they rejected the will of the Federal Government to eliminate slavery.

What’s wrong with slavery? Before we lost the island, we had thousands of slaves, you know that…

Well, yes, but this was somewhat different. The vast majority of what was the USA disagreed with the practice. The result was a bloody civil war that lasted for five years. Approximately ten thousand military engagements took place during the war and there were thousands of casualties.

But you said there were no major battles around here?

Missouri was an odd case your Superiousness. The state had slavery, but they remained loyal to the Union and they did not secede. However there was a bit of an argument as to their status, both sides claimed the state for themselves and for a time there were two competing State Governments. Eventually, the arsenal here was used to build ironclad warships for the Union.

Ooh, that sounds exciting.

It was your Magnificence, during the Civil War, both sides had ironclad warships, perhaps the most famous engagement being that of the Battle of Hampton Roads.

These things ran on roads?

No, my Lord, that was just the name of the area in which the battle was fought.

I knew that, carry on.

Well, the naval battle lasted two days, but the part that everyone remembers was the duel between the two ironclads, the CSS Virginia and the USS Monitor. The battle was inconclusive in itself, but the whole world took notice and after that, all the navies that weren’t already building them rushed to convert their navies to ironclad warships.

And they were built here?

Some of them were, yes.

You really are the font of all knowledge aren’t you General?

Well…

I want to know more about these ironclads, it strikes me that this river might come in handy for ferrying troops in our invasion. Ironclad warships might be just the thing we need.

Errr, I would hasten to add that the design is rather outdated, and totally outclassed by modern designs and weapons…

(Oblivious) Yes, I can see it now. A thousand, no, TEN thousand ironclad warships steaming down the river, disgorging troops at every town, troops marching in the name of Sinister! And I shall be stood atop the Gateway Arch, taking the salute of my loyal soldiers, basking in the glory of cheers of the crowds below. Master of the world! Master of the universe! (Looks around) General? General? Don’t you want to hear my plan for the conquest of America? (Cellphone rings) Hello?

Help Armchair General by bookmarking to