The Incorrect Art of War [Episode 21] - Beat Me In St Louis

A J Summersgill and Jim H Moreno | August 21, 2006  | 0 comments  | Print  | E-mail

Yes I do mind. I’m thinking grand thoughts here and you’re worrying about a little bit of heat. We’ll get back to the car in due course.

Well, could I perhaps have one of your ice creams then?

Certainly not, I need them all myself. You know where the shop is…

Of course my Lord.

Just because you don’t have an Army any more doesn’t mean you don’t have to set an example.

(Wiping the sweat from his brow) Apologies, Master.

I should think so too, now give me a choc’ ice, I’m finding it hard to think with you nattering on so…

Here you go Lord. Perhaps you are being affected by the heat as well?

Nonsense, I have the constitution of an ox. Whilst I will admit that it is a trifle warm, there’s no cause to be falling all over the floor. My ancestors didn’t found the British Empire by being a bit scared of the heat…

I am truly ashamed my Lord. I don’t know what came over me. Except to say that I was born in Alaska where it’s somewhat cooler.

Mind you, it has occurred to me that if everyone in these parts turned off their air conditioning units, things might not be quite so warm. Pumping all that hot air outside can’t be doing the environment any good.

No, I suppose not…

And what was with that rain yesterday?

Magnificence?

It was raining, and yet my thermometer was still off the scale. Back where I come from, that’s just not normal. Perhaps the weather here is broken…

Erm, so, have you had any thought as to where we might be headed next?

Well, there’s a rather magnificent arch over there that I thought we could inspect.

Ah, yes, the Jefferson National Memorial Expansion.

So you’ve seen it too? Glorious isn’t it General?

Oh yes your Brilliance, it’s an incredible sight.

Where exactly are we General?

We’re in St Louis, Missouri my Lord, the Gateway to the West.

St Louis?

Yes your Eminence, it was named after a French King. (There is an uncomfortable silence) I’m sorry my Lord, my mind slipped there for a moment, probably the heat, I know that I have just said one of the unutterable words. Knowing how you feel about the nation in question, I should perhaps correct myself, the city was named after no-one in particular.

Interesting. And this triumphal arch, what battle is it meant to represent?

Erm, no battle your Excellency, it’s a representative monument to the westward expansion of the early American pioneers.

Oh. That’s very dull, I was expecting it to celebrate some important victory.

No, it’s not. I’m sorry about that your Magnificence. There have never been any major battles fought in these parts.

Never mind, once I am installed on my throne, I shall rename this tower and have my name inscribed on the top.

As you say Excellency. I suppose that would make you an arch villain. Eh? (Another silence) Argh, I apologise your Eminence, I am truly sorry, my mind is wandering today…

General, your mental incompetence this afternoon notwithstanding, I think, in fact, that this Arch may be useful to our plans!

It might?

Oh yes, you might recall "Project Brainwarp". We were going to install massive resonating brainwashing devices atop the tallest buildings around the world to hypnotize the world to do my bidding - this arch would fit the bill nicely.

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