The Incorrect Art of War [Episode 02] - Project Sleigh-Ride

A J Summersgill and Jim H Moreno | December 09, 2004  | 0 comments  | Print  | E-mail

It’s a DVD all about the glider assault on Pegasus Bridge! Ah, yes Sir, the first shots fired on D-Day, the British 6th Airborne Division completely surprising elements of the German 716th Infantry Division, the Gondree Cafe among the first buildings to be liberated. A fine example of a perfectly executed operation. I’m proud to see you trying to get some grounding in military theory and history, My Lord.

Thank you, General. I was watching this program and it struck me how fallible those gliders were. First off, having to rely on getting airborne by conventional, noisy and expensive aircraft. Second, once airborne, they weren’t very agile. Thirdly, they were extremely limited on their landing zones, right?

Bravo, Sir, but I’m not sure I follow you…

You ask me why we have gone Christmas-crazy here at the base. General, ready the War Room! As of tomorrow we are commencing Operation Sleigh-Ride of Death! You will lead an expedition to the North Pole. Your mission: to capture and bring back Santa Claus’ reindeer. We will use them to tow our gliders in an assault on Europe!

Pardon, Your Eminence, but I think I may have been touched by that lab sample, as well. It sounded like you said for me to capture reindeer to tow our gliders into battle?

But of course. Think of it. It’s brilliant! Just look at the advantages reindeer have. They don’t show up on RADAR…

Yes, but-

… they are completely silent…

Well-

… they don’t require fuel, just some bags of cheap oats…

Right, but I think-

… they are incredibly fast, so fast that they can travel around the entire world in a single night! …

Your Highness-

… they can take off and land with pinpoint accuracy, only needing so much space as a common rooftop …

M’Lord-

… and as long as you dress adequately as Santa Claus, no one will notice the difference!

Say again? ME, Sir?

Of course you. Someone has to, and since you’ll be the one leading the men into battle, it’s only right. And that, General, is why we’ve decorated the base – to make the reindeer feel at home once you bring them here.

Above and beyond all due respect, My Liege, perhaps I should call in the base physician to administer another vaccine dose?

Nonsense. I’m perfectly healthy now, General. The hallucinations have almost completely stopped. Almost.

Very well, Sir, but, as I was trying to interject, the number of potential problems with this course of action is totally off the scale.

Eh?

Flying reindeer don’t exist, My Lord. I’m sorry to break it to you like this, but they are simply a fairy tale. Even if they did, you couldn’t attack a country, much less the world, using only eight mythical reindeer and eight assault gliders.

Nine Reindeer General. Don’t forget Rudolph.

Well, who could, Sir. What? No! What I mean is, in any event, the age of the assault glider is long past. While the reindeer themselves are fabled to be unseen in flight, the gliders probably wouldn’t be. Modern air defences would spot them easily, chew them up like paper.

But these are magic reindeer!

Sir, the D-Day glider assaults on Pegasus Bridge and other objectives in Normandy were all part of a much larger, finely crafted operation. Those battles, while important, didn’t win the war by themselves, and you can’t expect to win a war these days using the same methods. The men in those gliders were elite soldiers, Commandos. They were also isolated, cut off from assistance with limited supplies and ammunition, until their comrades assaulting the beaches broke through the German defences to link up.

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