Aye aye my Lord. Might I suggest that if we make a turn to Starboard we can try and get a better sound contact than the one we have. Right now our own propellers are masking them from view.

Subscribe Today

• Subscribe to Armchair General Magazine
• Subscribe online and save nearly 40%!
 

Good plan Admiral.

Erm…that’s General…Sire…

Whatever. make it so.

(As the Helmsman turns the vessel, it banks sharply and the crew hang on to whatever is available as the deck slopes beneath them)

Contact confirmed sir – computer identifies it as an American Sea Wolf class nuclear attack submarine.

That’s easily sorted, hail them over the radio and tell them we’re a new kind of British missile submarine on a proving mission.

Sorry my Lord, that’s impossible, radio waves don’t transmit underwater.

But…I thought you told me this was the pride of our fleet?

I did my Lord.

With the most up to date equipment?

Yes, my Lord, but we can’t change the laws of physics…

Oh, never mind – let’s raise the periscope then. I know that’s possible – I’ve seen the movies.

Also no good my Lord, the periscope is only useful for looking at objects on the surface of the Ocean – we certainly can’t use it this deep and at this speed.

Argh! This is ridiculous Admiral!!

It’s General, your Imperiousness.

Oh, forget it. In that case, let’s take a look at them on the display. Activate the viewscreens!

(The crewmembers look blank)

My Lord…

Gentlemen, I grow tired of this insubordination – firstly I have to repeat myself to order someone out onto the hull to paint a false flag, then I get told that first our radio, and then the periscope don’t work, and now I have to ask more than once for the viewscreens to be activated – what’s going on?

Your Majesty, this is a submarine, not the USS Enterprise from the 24th century – we don’t have viewscreens here.

Why the hell not? I paid top dollar for this vessel to be fitted out with the most up to date equipment, and you’re telling me we don’t have viewscreens? Where did the money go?

Your Excellency…NO submarine has viewscreens. It’s impossible for us to see outside.

I find that hard to believe…

There wouldn’t be anything to see your Majesty. Firstly, we’re underwater, secondly, it’s night-time anyway, and thirdly, the general murk of the water would render it impossible to see more than a few feet in any one direction.

You’re kidding me? Then how do we steer this thing?

By the use of skilled Navigators and Sonar my Lord. The Captain sets our speed and course and the Navigators calculate our position by timing how far we travel at a set speed – the Sonar covers the rest.

Sonar?

Yes my Lord. It’s an acoustic detection system. Sonar stands for SOund NAvigation and Ranging. We have trained operators listening for sounds in the water using specialist equipment, that’s known as passive Sonar. We can hear other vessels in the ocean that way. (The General points to one of the consoles) Or, by hitting this button here, we can send out a "ping" in the water to listen for the reflected sounds as it bounces off other objects. By analysing the time it takes for a ping to return, and the shape of the deflection, the crew can work out the bearing, distance and size of the object.

Help Armchair General by bookmarking to