Erm…hang on a moment…

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(Fortescue immediately proceeds to a large painting on the wall, which he pulls on one side to reveal that it is actually a hinged door disguising a safe beneath. He deftly withdraws a small amount of a soft putty-like substance from his elegant suit which he moulds around the door to the safe. Two wires are then plugged into the putty and with a quick smile to the watching audience, the Commander withdraws to a safe distance before flipping open the top to his watch which contains a sophisticated digital display. He activates a button on the watch and there is a sudden white flash and a deafening roar. Smoke fills the room and, as it clears, the General and the Doctor can see that the safe has been blown wide open. Unfortunately, the contents are now smouldering ash. Fortescue stands with a wry smile, his cocktail completely intact)

Superb! Simply superb Commander! A fine example of your talents.

Erm, that safe wasn’t actually locked your Majesty…

It wasn’t? Oh well, maybe that explains why everything inside is on fire – but you must admit, the man has talent. I hope it didn’t contain anything valuable.

Twelve million US Dollars…my nest egg…

Ah.

My Lord, this man is clearly incompetent, I don’t know what films you’ve been watching but spies aren’t the glamorous superheroes they’re made out to be. They certainly don’t wear designer suits, sip cocktails and use expensive gadgetry – your common or garden spy is usually some lowly operative with access to sensitive information who gets corrupted by the lure of money. And before you ask, no you can’t form an entire detachment from this sort of person either.

But you said bullets – this man has a very nice gun…

Your Superiousness, if you’re going to form some kind of elite unit, you need more than a man in a suit with a pistol. You need an entire detachment of trained soldiers bristling with firepower and the knowledge to use it effectively. Elite forces down the years have been men of honour, guile and determination. Take the British Commandoes, formed during the Second World War – they were able to inflict devastating losses on the enemy out of all proportion to the size of their units. Or look at the modern day Green Berets, or the SAS who were so decisively used in the Iranian hostage siege in London – well-trained, disciplined men with superb training and the equipment to strike all around the world and in a precise manner.

In that case, you’ll love this. Number 3 – come on down!

(Commander Fortescue leaves, still sipping his cocktail as the huge form of a fully-equipped soldier walks in. Festooned with equipment and weapons, he is covered in camouflage paint and carefully placed items of foliage. He carries a large Minigun in one arm)

Yes, you see, this is what I mean…

Excellent! This is Captain Connor who has come straight to us from the US Army Green Berets. Captain, let’s have the demonstration please…

Oh no, really, there’s no need…

(The air is suddenly filled with the crescendo of gunfire as the Captain unleashes the full power of the Minigun on the apartment. Bullets spew out at 500 rounds a minute, devastating the walls, floor and ceiling of the living room, blowing out the windows and smashing just about everything left standing. Eventually, after what seems like hours, the ammunition runs dry and the gunfire stops)

Excellent! That seems to meet your criteria completely! I think we’ve got our first successful candidate!

(Part of the ceiling collapses as General Menace surveys the carnage)

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