Special forces? When did you decide on this?

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I figured that it’s my Army, so it should be "special".

Oh right, so you’re forming some kind of Commando unit? That’s a very good idea…

Commando unit? Oh no no no no no, the entire army will become special – super-elite in fact.

But that’s impossible – you can’t train an entire army to the level of modern-day special forces. You can certainly have an elite detachment, but not everyone is able to reach that level. Frankly, some of our newest recruits don’t know one end of an assault rifle from the other.

Other nations have special forces…

Yes, but that term doesn’t apply to everyone in their entire army – it just means the best of the best. Modern day special forces are small units relying on close teamwork, specialised equipment and self-sufficiency and are only selected after the most rigorous training.

Oh, I see. I guess I’d better cancel that order for 20,000 balaclavas then.

Chin up my Lord, we can still try some people out for the elite detachments.

Well that’s just capital! I’m glad you’re getting into the spirit of the thing. Yes indeed, we will have the best of the best for our Army, people with the greatest skill, the finest traditions, people like Colonel Hanzo. Colonel Hanzo, show the General what you can do.

Wait! In here, your benevolence? In my apartment?

No time like the present General, you’ll love this…

(The General and the Doctor step aside as Colonel Hanzo unsheathes the Samurai blade on his back, whirling it around his head in a fine display of swordsmanship before lunging forward and effortlessly cutting down the remaining curtains in a single swipe. As the Colonel leaps around the room, he swishes the sword back and forth, knocking ornaments and displays to the floor before the sword is finally embedded in the centre of the sofa on which Doctor Sinister had been sitting. In a final stunning display, three shuriken throwing blades emerge from one of his sleeves and thud into the wooden panelling either side of General Menace’s head)

Oh bravo, bravo!!

…my curtains…my ornaments…my wall…

Don’t cry over spilt milk General.

(The General walks over to a shattered picture frame on the floor) This was a photo of me with General Norman Schwarzkopf from Operation Desert Storm! He even signed it for me. Look, this once said "From your pal Norm’, I couldn’t have done it without you". Now it’s just ruined…

I’ll buy you another one. That was a fabulous display don’t you think?

Well, frankly no my Lord. I’ve seen better – with all due respect to Colonel Hanzo, he’s a bit of a caricature don’t you think? Ninjas didn’t really wear black you know. And you want to form entire detachment of these people? Twirling swords and fighting curtains is all well and good, but our enemies use bullets my Lord, and more powerful weapons too.

Oh, very well then, point well made. I had a suspicion you might say something like that. Colonel Hanzo, you may leave. Come in number 2!!

(The disgruntled Ninja leaves, and is replaced by a tall, suave gentlemen in a pinstripe suit sipping from an elaborate cocktail)

And who is this?

This is Commander Fortescue, ex Royal Navy and formerly of the British Secret Service. He has a licence to kill and is an expert in all forms of espionage.

A spy?

Yes! And a crack saboteur. Commander, you may demonstrate your skills.

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