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Go Back   Armchair General and HistoryNet >> The Best Forums in History > Books, Film and Media > Film, DVD, and TV

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Film, DVD, and TV Discuss the latest movies at the theatre and on DVD, as well as what is on TV. ACG film reviews will also be found here.

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  #1  
Old 08 Jul 13, 10:18
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Where Dirty Heroes Dare - A Spoof

Two years ago, Tommy Atkins had a brilliant idea. He started a thread that involved writing a screenplay for a war movie. Anyone could participate, but it turned out only he and I got involved. It was a lot of fun and got pretty wild by the time it ran out of gas. I have decided to revive it in the form of a serial.

I will post every Monday. The episodes will have numbers placed in the script to indicate what movies are being satirized. See if you can guess. As far as comments, I would like suggestions on what war movie scenes you would like to see sillified. For example, Steve McQueen's motorcycle escape in "The Great Escape". Do not add to the movie! I'll do the screenwriting.
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  #2  
Old 08 Jul 13, 10:45
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Quote:
Originally Posted by warmoviebuff View Post
Two years ago, Tommy Atkins had a brilliant idea. He started a thread that involved writing a screenplay for a war movie. Anyone could participate, but it turned out only he and I got involved. It was a lot of fun and got pretty wild by the time it ran out of gas. I have decided to revive it in the form of a serial.

I will post every Monday. The episodes will have numbers placed in the script to indicate what movies are being satirized. See if you can guess. As far as comments, I would like suggestions on what war movie scenes you would like to see sillified. For example, Steve McQueen's motorcycle escape in "The Great Escape". Do not add to the movie! I'll do the screenwriting.
When or if you get to a bunker scene, skip the marriage, poison/pistol/and hasty cremation part. Have Hitler shave, don a wig with the whole pigtails bit, makeup, put on a Dirndl, ditches Eva, and then makes a mad dash from the bunker to the street where he's then caught by horny Cossacks, bent over a barricade and savaged continuously, mercilessly, and even gets something of a kick out of it.
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Old 08 Jul 13, 11:17
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The Basic Training parts of many movies beg to be done. The Dirty Dozen is one such movie. Sands of Iwo Jima is another. Just remembered another movie, The Devil's Brigade!

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Old 08 Jul 13, 11:42
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Episode 1

WHERE DIRTY HEROES DARE


EPISODE 1

Act I Scene 1

Somewhere in England - Summer 1942

Camera follows a pair of highly polished army brogues as they stride briskly down a corridor.

Martial music scored by Elmer Bernstein plays in tune to the footsteps. Lots of drums and some whistling.

Credits roll and conclude with “Based on a true story - sorta”.

The shoes enter the door and we see that they belong to British Army commando officer David Niven.

Niven waves his arms to cut through the cigarette smoke. In the room is an eclectic mix drawn from the allied forces. Most look tough, some look psychotic, some just look mysterious. One looks sexy.

Lieutenant Colonel Niven casts an eye over the crew and says: "Well chaps and chappette, I suppose you are wondering what this is all about."

Pre-war career criminal and ace safe-cracker U.S. Marine Corps NCO Steve McQueen removes the match he is chewing from his mouth and says: "I'm not your chap and I don't care what this is about. I only came because I heard the food would be better than the limey crap I've been having to eat. If I have to eat one more bite of mutton I’m going to strangle someone."

Pvt. Terry Thomas chirps up: "I say, Guv'na, why am I here with these Yanks? I'm just an orderly."

Niven looks over the group and says: "You each have a special talent that the Allies need for a very special mission. Pvt. Thomas, for instance, is able to mimic any voice."

Sgt. Aldo Ray stands up and growls: "What's the dame doing here? No dames on a mission. They are bad luck!"

He cast's a scornful look at Ava Gardner.

A sexy sultry voice comes back at him: "Sit down and stop talking out of your ass. And put your damned shirt on. Who do you think you are - Brad Pitt?" 1

Sgt. Ray glares at Ava Gardner and says: "That's no way for a lady to talk."

Ava glares back at him and says: "That wasn't me. It was Terry Thomas. And I’m no lady."

Niven interrupts the spat with a wave of his riding crop.

"Gentlemen, and lady [he bows to Gardner], we have a job to do and little time to plan it. I suggest we get down to business."

"And what, may I ask, is the nature of our business?" Thus questions PFC Burt Lancaster as he playfully twirls a vial of nitro-glycerine between his fingers.

"You must be the explosives expert" said Niven.

Lancaster pretends to fumble the nitro - "At your service, sir".

Niven gives him a cold glare and perpetual coward PFC Don Knotts throws himself on the floor and whines: "Excuse me, Mr. British officer, sir. I don’t think I’m cut out for anything strenuous. I have asthma, I’m allergic to face paint, I’m afraid of heights and loud noises like explosions, I can’t keep a secret, and I have pisciphilia."

Niven: “What in the hell is pisciphilia?”

Knotts: “It means I have a desire to be a fish. I don’t suppose this mission has anything to do with u-boats, does it?” 2

Corporal Michael Caine (the knife expert) shouts, "I've had just about as much as I can stomach from this little nutcase. If someone don't shut him up I'll gut him like a fish." He throws a switchblade that lodges in the chair inches from Knotts nuts (if he has any).

Niven stands between the two and says to the group "If you perform like this behind enemy lines you'll get us all killed! There’s no 'I' in camaraderie." A couple of the others look puzzled, but noone says anything.

The silence is broken by McQueen: "Say... what’s all this about going behind enemy lines?"

Niven takes his time about lighting a cigarette and says: "Now that I have your attention"... 3

1- "Inglourious Basterds"
2 - “The Incredible Mr. Limpet”
3 - The basic scenario is from “Guns of Navarone”

Last edited by warmoviebuff; 08 Jul 13 at 14:22..
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Old 08 Jul 13, 12:23
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Are you responsible for the screenwriting of the movies this summer?
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Old 08 Jul 13, 12:26
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Are you responsible for the screenwriting of the movies this summer?
Holy kick 'em in the nuts, Batman!
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Old 08 Jul 13, 14:10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by skiplc View Post
Are you responsible for the screenwriting of the movies this summer?
I am hoping to get a foot in the door, but I have found that I can not smoke crack and drink a bottle of Vodka and still type. I also do not like hitting myself in the head with a hammer, so I am unlikely to get to work with Michael Bay. I guess I don't have what it takes to be a Hollywood screenwriter. Pity, I hear they make more than high school teachers (or policemen, firemen, military personnel, paramedics, ...).
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Old 14 Jul 13, 23:01
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EPISODE 2

EPISODE 2


Niven motions to a soldier at the back of the room and the lights go out as a slide projector comes on. The picture on the screen is that of a Jewish man in a prison suit. Niven says "Gentle, ur people, this is Hiram Herschberg. He recently escaped from a concentration camp and with the help of the French Resistance made his way to England. The tale he has told is chilling."

McQueen gives a big yawn.

Thomas [sounding like Gardner]: "Col. Niven, kindly unhand my breast."

Niven plows on: "It seems that among the Jewish belongings confiscated at the camp was a priceless artifact that for ages was safely kept by a Jewish family. When they packed it for what they thought was a relocation, little did they know it would fall into Nazi hands. Next slide please."

A picture of two ropes connected by a leather pouch appears. Niven: "Does anyone know what this is?"

Caine raises his knife. "It appears to be a sling, sir".

Niven nods. "That is correct, but this is not any ordinary sling. [pauses for effect] This is the Sling of David. Next slide, Giles."

A photo of Michelangelo's David appears. Followed immediately by one-liners.

Lancaster: “That cat could use more sun. He should spend more time at the beach.” 1

Knotts: “I don’t feel so bad about my equipment now. Thanks, guv’na.”

Ray: “I got no problems going into battle bare-chested, but I draw the line at full frontal.”

Gardner: "I refuse to do anything with a statue.”

Niven: "Calm down, Miss Gardner. Your prey will be very alive, at least when you get them. My point is this: Hitler now has possession of the most awesome weapon in the world." [laughter from the rest]

Lancaster: "Is this a joke?"

Niven: "I assure you it is not. I am sure you all know your Bible. [all the others look down at their shoes] David slew the giant Goliath with this very sling. No ordinary sling wielded by a boy could have done that. This sling can kill anyone at any distance as long as you have a clear line of sight." 2

Thomas [mimicking Lancaster]: "What the jolly roger does that have to do with us?"

Niven: "OSS has evidence that Hitler plans to assassinate the King of England during a royal procession. 3 The sling could be easily hidden in an assassin's clothing and England has plenty of rocks lying around. [slide of a rock] Once the sling is smuggled into England there will be no way to prevent it being used. We must get that sling!" He slams his riding crop on the table, awakening McQueen who wipes some drool off his sleeve.

There is stunned silence...

Niven: “The mission is simple. We will sneak into Germany, infiltrate the most heavily guarded mountain- top castle in the world [picture], steal the sling, and return. Hopefully with no injuries. Piece of cake.” [picture of a piece of cake]

McQueen [under his breath]: “Piece of turd cake.”

Niven: “Training begins at 0600 on Monday. If you don’t show up, I’ll know you are not interested… and I’ll have the MPs track you down and shoot you like a dog. There will be no unvolunteering.”

Niven’s executive officer Maj. Peck enters the room with a clip board.

Peck: “I have the list of potential additions to the squad here, sir. We have an appointment at the military prison for 1100.”

Niven [glancing at his pocket watch]: “Dismissed.”

1- From Here to Eternity

2- Raiders of the Lost Ark

3 - The Eagle Has Landed
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Old 21 Jul 13, 13:47
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EPISODE 3

EPISODE 3


SCENE 2 – a military prison

Niven and Peck enter a military prison to troll for psycopaths that can be trusted for a dangerous mission behind enemy lines. They are led by the warden who has a big smile on his face.

Warden: So let me get this straight, you want to take away some of my best misfits? Well I happen to have a Lt. Col. Frederick who is very interested in them and he is coming by this afternoon and he’s offering $50 per vert.

Niven: Are you blackmailing me, warden?

Warden: If the combat boot fits, wear it.

Niven: How does $100 each sound and will you take it in cigarettes?

Warden: Deal.

Peck (motioning to the first cell): Here’s our first prospect. [looks at clipboard] This is PFC Eastwood. He’s in for desertion and bank robbery. He conned a squad of men into going behind enemy lines to rob a German bank where the Nazis stored all the silverware they stole from European homes. On the way back they were arrested by a bridging unit and no one knows what happened to the silverware. Not all of them, however. It seems a few of them thought it would be cool to commandeer a German Tiger tank and hook it up with a speaker system. They were heading back to American lines playing “Ride of the Valkyries” when they were hit by a flight of P-47s, several bazookas, and an artillery battery. There was not much left of them. I guess they didn’t know Wagner was a German. 1

Niven: Atten shun soldier!

Eastwood [slowly rises to his feet; he has cut a hole in his blanket and has passed his head through it]: What do you want?

Niven: I’ve got a proposal for you. How would you like to go on a suicide mission that might pass near wherever you hid those forks and spoons? [winks]

Eastwood: That would really make my day.

Niven and Peck move to the next cell.

Peck: This will be PFC Bronson.

Niven: Why are you in here, Pollock?

Bronson: I was recruited for a mission because I was a miner before the war. They needed someone to tunnel into the basement of a French chateau so the unit could kill a bunch of Nazi officers and their "girlfriends". Everything went well until a German came down to get some cognac and spotted us. He locked the door and we could hear grenades being dropped down the ventilation system. Those bastards. They have no concept of fair play in warfare. I managed to crawl back through the tunnel along with a black soldier named Black. When we got out the tunnel we were chased by German shepherds and they caught him. I guess they preferred dark meat. [laughs] It was him or me and he had no chance of outrunning a Polish guy. 2 I got back to England by stealing a row boat and stowing away on a neutral ship. 3

Peck: Where was the crime in that?

Bronson: Actually, I’m in here because my unit cheated in war games before our mission and I was accused of impersonating a general for an inspection. Damn it, that wasn’t even me! 4

Niven: We could use a tunnel rat. Are you interested?

Bronson: I prefer to be called a mole and yes I’ll join you. This cell is suffocating me. The walls are closing in on me. I need to get back to tunneling.

Peck [leading on to the next cell]: Cpl. Van Johnson. He was convicted of mutiny when he disobeyed orders to launch a suicidal attack during a hail storm on Okinawa. That was his second strike after he had stolen strawberries from the mess hall. 5

Van Johnson: Whatever you want I’ll do it. All I ask is that I get some eggs. I’m dying for some scrambled eggs. 6

Niven [chuckling]: I think we can do that.

Peck and Niven move to the next cell. Peck [referring to his clip board]: This next one is a strange case. He was a professional baseball player. Played for the Brooklyn Dodgers. He was convicted of throwing a woman out of a hotel window. It was a first floor window, but she got run over by a cab. The judge found him guilty of manslaughter because he was in a hitting slump and the woman was a Yankee’s fan who was heckling him. The judge gave him the choice of prison or the Army. He’s in this prison because he and his buddies went into a bar that had some sailors in it and a fight broke out, naturally. Redford killed one of them with the bat he always carried. 7

Niven [looking at his list]: Do we have anyone from Brooklyn yet?

Peck: No.

Niven: [to Redford who is on his knees saying a "Hail, Mary"] How would you like to bash some Germans?

Redford: Can I bring my bat?

Niven: Naturally.

Peck: Next is John Doe from the Red Shirts.

Niven: Red Shirts?

Peck: The Red Shirts are an elite unit created in the replacement depots. The idea is to provide soldiers who are expendable to veteran combat units. Soldiers whose deaths would not hurt morale.

Niven [to Doe]: What are you in here for soldier?

Doe: Are you speaking to me? Can you see me? I’ve been in here for two weeks and nobody has noticed. Every meal the guards pass by my cell as though I’m not here. I’m not important to them.

Niven [looking out the window]: I’m sorry. Did you say something?

Doe: Typical. I’m in here because after you’ve been wounded and left for dead four times on patrols (or treks as we called them), you decide to choke your commander.

Niven [bored]: Whatever. We could use a guy like you for a dangerous mission. It’s so secret you will have to remain anonymous. You may not come back alive.

Doe [sarcastically]: You think?

Niven: I’ll take that as a yes, Roe.

Doe: The name is … Oh, never mind.

Peck: Next is an Edward Slovik.

Niven [walking into the cell]: Private Slovik. How would you like to get out of here?

Slovik [sneering]: I’ve been listening to you talk to the other guys and you’re nuts if you think I’m going to risk my life. Why do you think I deserted? I’m not going to die in this war.

Niven: You do realize that desertion is a capital offense, don’t you?

Slovik [laughing]: You limey twit. Who do you think you are kidding? The Army has not executed a single deserter the whole war. You think they’re going to start with Private Eddie Slovik? Give me a break! I’ll be alive to vote for Ike for President. 8

Niven [whispering to Peck]: You can’t argue with that. Let’s move on.

Peck looks at his list and is visibly shaken as he drops the clip board.

Niven [picking up clip board and looking at the sheet]: Quinn. OSS agent. In for assassinating an American officer. He claimed he was on a mission to terminate an officer who had gone rogue and had created his own guerrilla army of gypsies. The brass disavowed any knowledge of the mission, of course. Poor sap. 9

Peck [kicking in the door of the cell]: Quinn!!

Quinn: Peck!!

A guard separates them.

Niven: You two know each other?

Peck: He was responsible for the death of my family. We used to be best friends and had been on many missions together. We were having a drink in a pub during the Blitz and he insisted on buying another round. When I got home, my apartment building had been blown up only minutes before. You killed my family, you bastard!

Quinn: I told you I was sorry. You were the one who pulled out a family photo in the pub. So who really is to blame?

Niven [pulling Peck aside]: I can see why you might have a problem with this guy, but we need him. He was imprisoned in the Schloss Aasgeier (Vulture Castle) which happens to be our destination. He is the only one who can get us in and out of the fortress. I’m afraid you will have to put your petty differences aside.

Peck [sneering at Quinn]: You can come along, but as soon as the mission is complete I swear on the bleeding bones of my family, I will kill you. 10

Quinn: You can try.
Peck: Oh, I will.
Quinn: Bring it on.
Peck: Count on it.
Quinn: You and what army.
Peck: I don’t need an army.
Quinn: I think you do.
Peck; Do not.
Quinn: Do too.
Peck: Do not.

Niven [interrupting]: Enough! If you too can’t get along, I’ll leave you both in England.

Peck and Quinn [sheepishly]: Okay. [Peck makes a strangling motion when Niven turns toward the warden]

Niven [to the warden]: I think we’re done here. No need to wrap them, I’ll take them the way they are.

Warden: Good riddance.

Niven and Peck lead the motley crew down the corridor and out into the sunlight of the prison yard. A shot rings out and a bullet whistles past Niven’s ear and hits Doe in the head, killing him instantly. Peck, shooting his Sten from the hip, blasts a tree nearby and the body of a German soldier falls out.

Niven: Christ. What’s a sniper doing in England?

Peck: It appears we have a mole. [He and Niven turn to stare at Bronson]

Bronson [nervous]: On second thought, you can call me a rat.

They step over Doe’s body and get into the deuce and a half.

Niven [to Peck who is driving]: Let’s stop at the repo depot to pick up a few more Red Shirts on the way home. [Peck laughs] Aye,aye, sir.

The scenario is based on The Dirty Dozen

1. Kelly's Heroes
2. Dirty Dozen
3. Great Escape
4. Dirty Dozen
5. Caine Mutiny
6. Battleground
7. The Natural
8. Execution of Private Slovik
9. Apocalypse Now
10. Guns of Navarone

plus references to Star Trek, Battle of Britain, The Devil's Brigade
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Old 28 Jul 13, 14:29
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EPISODE 4


Act I, Scene 3 –a barracks at a secret base

A corporal knocks on a door. Within a Spartan room is a grizzled drill sergeant. There is a portrait of Queen Victoria on the wall. The sergeant hastily puts away a copy of “Lady Chatterley’s Lover”.

HARTMAN: Come in.

JAECKEL: [sneering] The new crop is here, sarge.

HARTMAN: Okay. “Orientation” time.

They march into the bunk area where the misfits have assembled.

*** I’m sure you will recognize the scene. I have replaced the cursing with their equivalent from the 19th Century.

HARTMAN: I am Gunnery Sergeant Hartman, your Senior Drill Instructor. From now on, you will speak only when spoken to, and the first and last words out of your filthy privies will be "Sir!" Do you nackle-asses understand that?

RECRUITS: Sir, yes, sir!

HARTMAN: Thunderation! I can't hear you. Sound off like you got bullocks!

RECRUITS (louder): Sir, yes, sir!

HARTMAN: If you strumpets leave my island, if you survive commando training ... you will be a weapon, you will be a minister of death praying for a suicide mission. But until that day you are bootlickers! You're the lowest form of life on Earth. You are not even human cussed beings! You are nothing but unorganized grabarsetic fartleberries. Because I am hard, you will not like me. But the more you hate me, the more you will learn. I am hard, but I am fair! There is no racial bigotry here! I do not look down on micks, hebes, dagos, pollocks, or Brooklynites. Here you are all equally burnt-arsed! And my orders are to weed out all non-hackers who do not pack the gear to serve in my beloved OSS! Do you sodomites understand that?

RECRUITS: Sir, yes, sir!

HARTMAN: Bejabbers! I can't hear you!

RECRUITS: Sir, yes, sir!

Sergeant Hartman stops in front of Bronson

HARTMAN: What's your name, godemiche?

BRONSON: Sir, Private Bronson, sir!

HARTMAN: Consarn! Do you like being a pollock?

BRONSON: Sir, yes, sir!

HARTMAN: Well, there's one thing that you won't like, Private Pollock! They
don't serve kielbasa or borscht on a daily basis in my mess hall!

BRONSON: Sir, yes, sir!

THOMAS: (under his breath) Is that you, John Mills? Is this me?

HARTMAN: Who said that? Who the blazes said that? Who's the slimy little Marxist twinkle-toed twiddly-poof down here, who just signed his own death warrant? Nobody, huh?! The fairy godmother said it! Out-bloody-standing! I will P.T. you all until you bleeding die! I'll P.T. you until your quims are sucking buttermilk.

Sergeant Hartman grabs Eastwood by the poncho.

HARTMAN: Was it you, you scroungy little lick-spittle, huh?!

EASTWOOD: Sir, no, sir!

HARTMAN: You little piece of night soil! You look like a dratted worm! I'll bet it was you!

EASTWOOD: Sir, no, sir!

THOMAS: Sir, I said it, sir!

Sergeant Hartman steps up to Thomas.

HARTMAN: Well ... no bowel movement. What have we got here, a darn-tooting vaudevilian? Private Thomas? I admire your honesty. Dad-sizzle, I like you. You can come over to my house and beardsplit my sister.

Sergeant Hartman pokes Thomas in the eyes. Thomas starts crying.

HARTMAN: You little scalawag! I've got your name! I've got your hind quarters! You will not laugh! You will not cry! You will learn by the numbers. I will teach you. Now get up! Get on your feet! You had best unhuffle yourself or I will unscrew your head and use the loo down your neck!

THOMAS: Sir, yes, sir!

HARTMAN: Private Thomas, why did you join my beloved commando unit?

THOMAS: Sir, to get killed, sir!

HARTMAN: So you're a killee!

THOMAS: Sir, yes, sir!

HARTMAN: Let me hear your death scream!

THOMAS: Sir?

HARTMAN: You've got a death scream? Arrrrgh! That's a death scream.
Now let me hear your death scream!

THOMAS: Arrgh!

HARTMAN: Balls! You didn't convince me! Let me hear your real death scream!

THOMAS: Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!

HARTMAN: You didn't move me! Work on it!

THOMAS: Sir, yes, sir!

HARTMAN [to CAINE]: How tall are you, Private?

CAINE: Sir, five foot nine, sir!

HARTMAN: Gosh-all-Potomac. I didn't know they stacked crap that high! You trying to squeeze an inch in on me somewhere, huh?

CAINE: Sir, no, sir.

HARTMAN: ‘Snails! It looks to me like the best part of you ran down the crack of your mum's bum and ended up as a brown stain on the mattress! I think you've been cheated. Where in botheration are you from anyway, Private?

CAINE: Sir, Scotland, sir!

HARTMAN: Holy dog droppings! Scotland! Only snails and plugtails come from Scotland, Private Caine! And you don't look much like a snail to me, so that kinda narrows it down! Do you gamahuche?

COWBOY: Sir, no, sir!

HARTMAN: Are you a bagpiper?

CAINE: Sir, no, sir!

HARTMAN: I'll bet you're the kind of guy that would lark a cherry between the bubbies and not even have the guldurned common courtesy to give her a mint! I'll be watching you!

HARTMAN [to Quinn]: Did your parents have any children that lived?

QUINN: Sir, yes, sir!

HARTMAN: I'll bet they regret that! You're so ugly you could be a post-impressionist masterpiece! You look Greek. Do you suck rantallions?

QUINN: Sir, no, sir!

HARTMAN: G. Rover Cripes! I'll bet you could suck a cricket ball through a tea kettle spout!

QUINN: Sir, no, sir!

Hartman turns to Knotts who has a grin on his face.

HARTMAN: Do you think I'm cute, Private Knotts? Do you think I'm funny?

KNOTTS: Sir, no, sir!

HARTMAN: Then wipe that disgusting grin off your face!

KNOTTS: Sir, yes, sir!

HARTMAN: Well, any rogering time, Nancy!

KNOTTS: Sir, I'm trying, sir.

HARTMAN: Private Pyle, I'm gonna give you three seconds--exactly three blasted seconds—to wipe that stupid-looking grin off your face, or I will gouge out your peepers and have your greens! One! Two! Three!

Knotts purses his lips but continues to smiles involuntarily.

KNOTTS: Sir, I can't help it, sir!

HARTMAN: By St. Boogar and all the saints at the backside door of Purgatory! Sit on your footlocker, used prophylactic! Now slap yourself!

Knotts slaps himself until his cheeks are red and tear-stained.

HARTMAN: Are you through grinning?

KNOTTS: (barely able to speak) Sir, yes, sir!

HARTMAN: By the double-barrelled jumping jiminetty! I can't hear you!

KNOTTS: (gasping like a fish out of water) Sir, yes, sir!

HARTMAN: Private Pyle, you had best square your arse away and start pooping me the Crown Jewels... or I will definitely blast and bugger you!

PYLE: Sir, yes, sir!

Hartman turns to Jaeckel who has been shaking his head.

HARTMAN: Corporal, make sure these catamites are up at 0500. We've got a lot of work to do to turn them into redemption material. [he leaves]

JAECKEL: Gentlemen, your training begins tomorrow. Those of you who survive will become experts at: throat slashing, eye-gouging, fighting on a moving vehicle, avoiding trees in parachuting, pulling grenade pins with your teeth, sneaking, watch synchronizing - among other things. Good night.

Last edited by warmoviebuff; 28 Jul 13 at 22:27..
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Old 05 Aug 13, 00:32
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warmoviebuff is walking in the light [200] warmoviebuff is walking in the light [200] warmoviebuff is walking in the light [200] warmoviebuff is walking in the light [200] warmoviebuff is walking in the light [200] warmoviebuff is walking in the light [200] warmoviebuff is walking in the light [200] warmoviebuff is walking in the light [200] warmoviebuff is walking in the light [200] warmoviebuff is walking in the light [200] warmoviebuff is walking in the light [200] warmoviebuff is walking in the light [200]
OMG I can't f****** believe all that got through. Feel free to use some of it on your boss.

BTW I am on vacation so Episode 5 will be a little late. Stay tuned.
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Old 12 Aug 13, 22:41
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warmoviebuff is walking in the light [200] warmoviebuff is walking in the light [200] warmoviebuff is walking in the light [200] warmoviebuff is walking in the light [200] warmoviebuff is walking in the light [200] warmoviebuff is walking in the light [200] warmoviebuff is walking in the light [200] warmoviebuff is walking in the light [200] warmoviebuff is walking in the light [200] warmoviebuff is walking in the light [200] warmoviebuff is walking in the light [200] warmoviebuff is walking in the light [200]
EPISODE 5

The camera pans over the barracks. The men are in small groups enjoying the minutes before lights out.

There is a game of dominoes going on in a corner.

McQueen [slamming down a domino]: V is for victory, gentlemen. I believe this pile of cash and shirt are mine.

A shirtless Ray [grabbing the tile and squeezing it in his palm until it turns to dust]: You better hope no dominoes fall on this mission. Like on your head. [sneering]

McQueen wanders over to his bunk and notices a statue of St. Ives that his mother sent to him. He says to himself: Damn! Why did that statue have to remind me of that domino game back in boot camp. Yeah, I cleaned up then too and then the next day I slipped running over that log on the obstacle course and crushed my testicles. I wonder how long it will take to lose all this money? I’m keeping Ray’s shirt, though. 1

Caine and Lancaster lounge on their bunks nearby.

Caine: Have I shown you a picture of my girl Peggy Sue?

Lancaster: Woof, that is one ugly girl.

Caine: Yeah, I know, but she can do things with spam that you would not believe. Funny thing – this picture belonged to a mate of mind. He showed it to me and then soon after got killed. I looked up the girl and I fell in love with her cooking.

Lancaster: Take a look at this.

Caine: It’s a poodle.

Lancaster: That’s Lulu. She’s a saucy bitch. I bet you didn’t know I love pets. If I survive this mission I’m going to open a pet clinic for poor people. I’ll dedicate my life to helping petkind. If I survive.

Caine: Of course you'll survive. We both will. Why wouldn't we? I want you to be the best man at my wedding. Bring Lulu.

Eastwood lays on his bunk singing a cowboy song. Eastwood: Roll ‘em, roll ‘em, roll ‘em, keep them doggies rollin…

Quinn: Hey, cowboy – are you going to sing all night?

Eastwood: That’s fer sure, that’s fer darn sure. 2

Bronson and Johnson sit on a foot locker.

Bronson: Man, I got to get out of this place. I hate all officers and I can’t take any more orders. This is a bullshit mission and we’re all gonna get killed, I tell ya. I’m gonna tunnel out of this place tonight. Are you interested? 3

Johnson: Being the designated ladies’ man, I would like to go AWOL so I can get to London to visit a bird I met and get some scrambled eggs. Hopefully at the same time, if you get my drift. [leering]

Thomas has drawn a crowd.

Knotts: Do some impressions, Terry.

Thomas: “You’re a brave man. Go break through the lines. And remember, while you’re out there risking your life and limb through shot and shell, we’ll be in here thinking what a sucker you are.”

Knotts: Groucho!

Thomas: “So, they call me Concentration Camp Ehrhardt, do they?”

Knotts: Jack Benny!

Thomas: “I wish, I wish, I wish I were a fish”

Knotts: Not a clue. 4

Redford [laying on his bed with his baseball bat extended over his chest]: This is my bat, this is my prick. This is for bashing heads, this is for kicks. 5

A pillow comes flying through the air knocking the bat out of his hands. Immediately a pillow fight breaks out among the men. Ray is peeing on himself as Quinn tickles him.

Jaeckel [waving feathers out of his path]: All right, children. Lights out. You have a long day of training tomorrow. And I better not hear anyone asking for a glass of water during the night. And if you have to go to the head, do not bring a loaded rifle.

1 - The Longest Day
2 - Battleground
3 - The Dirty Dozen
4 - Stalag 17
5 - Full Metal Jacket
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Old 20 Aug 13, 22:35
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warmoviebuff is walking in the light [200] warmoviebuff is walking in the light [200] warmoviebuff is walking in the light [200] warmoviebuff is walking in the light [200] warmoviebuff is walking in the light [200] warmoviebuff is walking in the light [200] warmoviebuff is walking in the light [200] warmoviebuff is walking in the light [200] warmoviebuff is walking in the light [200] warmoviebuff is walking in the light [200] warmoviebuff is walking in the light [200] warmoviebuff is walking in the light [200]
EPISODE 6

EPISODE 6

The training ground.

Jaeckel stands in front of a dummy. The misfits are standing in a loose arc.

Jaeckel: If you are going to be a commando, you have to be able to two things. First, you have to be able to sneak up and cut a Germans throat from behind. Second, you have to be able to say something pithy.

Quinn: Pithy, sarge?

Jaeckel: It means smart ass, smart ass. Now one at a time, each of you sneak up on the dummy and slash its throat and then say something bad-ass. And no copying from someone else.

Each of the men takes his turn.

- Thomas: Tonite you dine in Hell, Nazi. Save me some kidney pie. 1

- Eastwood: Yippee-ki-yay, get along little doggie. 2

- Redford: Only the dead have seen the end of war – what does it look like? 3

- Quinn: I just made him an offer, but he refused. 4

- Ray: I’m here to chew tobacco and kick ass and I’m all out of chaw. 5

- McQueen: Thank you for being the dumb bastard that died for Germany. 6

- Caine: I’m your boysenberry. 7

- Bronson: Say hello to my little friend which in this case happens to be this knife that I have just cut your jugular vein with causing massive blood loss and your subsequent demise due to me sneaking up on you from behind without you knowing I was there. 8

- Johnson: Hasta la vista, baby. I’ll be back, but you won’t be. 9

- Lancaster: I’m an errand boy sent by a grocery clerk to collect your bill. 10

- Knotts: I wish I could sleep with the fishes, too. 11

Hartman: Nicely done, maggots. I just pray you all get the chance to sneak up on another human fracking being and cut their throat.

1 - 300
2 - Die Hard
3 - Black Hawk Down
4 - Godfather
5 - They Live
6 - Patton
7 - Tombstone
8 - Scarface
9 - Terminator II
10 - Apocalypse Now
11 - Godfather
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  #14  
Old 15 Sep 13, 08:54
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EPISODE 7

The men move on to the obstacle course. It's montage time.

Hartman: This is no pansy obstacle course. We adjusted the normal course to reflect the toughness we expect from you. Take one step forward if you think you are tough enough to be in this unit… Not so fast Red Shirts. Oh, I kid you guys. Just because I don’t know your name doesn’t mean something bad will happen to you.

The men line up in front of the monkey bars.

Johnson: Sarge. There’s something moving on the monkey bars.

Hartman: Those are monkeys, you brainless twiddly-poof. Why do you think they are called that? Get going!

Johnson goes hand over hand through the device as monkeys claw at him and screech.

Johnson: Not the face, not the face!

The men move on to the rope swing. Several are scratched up and some have monkey feces on them.

John Roe, a Red Shirt, leads the way. He swings and an alligator grabs his leg and pulls him under. Nobody cares.

They get to the log which is not straight and still has limbs on it.

McQueen: Sarge, can I sit this one out? I had a bad experience with a log at boot camp.

Hartman: Shut the Hades up.

McQueen runs gingerly on the log clutching his nuts. He is almost to the end when he slips and crashes face first into the log.

McQueen (spitting out a tooth): Thank God. (He pats his nuts.)

They move to the bayonet drill. Knotts stabs at the dummy like he is trying to tickle it.

Hartman: Son of a female dog! Would you like a condom for that bayonet? (He throws down his clipboard, retaining only the pencil.) Come at me and try to stab me, you little puke. You have a bayonet and all I have is this pencil. (Hartman makes a noise like a chicken.)

Knotts snaps, let’s out a primal girlish scream, and lunges. He stabs Sarge in the side. (The other men exchange high fives.)

Hartman: For Christsakes, you stabbed me, you little bastard!

Knotts: But Sarge, you told me to try to stab you.

Hartman: Dammit, I wasn’t serious, you idiot. You have a bayonet and all I had was a pencil! Are you kidding me? What kind of psychopath attacks a guy holding a pencil with a bayonet? 1

They jog over to a railroad track where a locomotive and six box cars sit. A pile of pugil sticks is on the ground.

Hartman: All right, lice. Pair off and each of you grab a pugil stick. Then pick a box car and climb on top.

Caine: Sarge, aren’t we going to get in a ring?

Jaeckel: I’ve killed 32 Germans and none of them were in a ring. However, about a dozen were in fights on moving trains. We’re getting you ready for the real world.

The men climb on top of the box cars and the train starts moving. The men begin to hit each other with the sticks. Several fall and barely hang on. John Dough has his back turned when the train enters a tunnel. Nobody cares.

They go to the rifle range. The targets look like Hitler with his little mustache and greasy hair. One arm is in the air in a Nazi salute.

Hartman: Gentlemen, this is Mr. Charlton Heston. He is an expert on the use of the sling, having been a mercenary in numerous African wars.



Heston: All right. I don’t have a lot of time. I’m booked for Ghana tomorrow. I’ve been brought here to train you to hit a human target at twenty paces. I don’t believe this religious crap about some sling that will miraculously hit its target. I don’t believe in miracles. There is no God. It will take skill. Grab a sling from the pile and pick up a rock. (There is some chuckling as the men do as he says. He watches them intently.) I hear you laughing about using a sling. Let me tell you something. A sling is better than a gun. It’s more personal. I don’t believe in guns. They should be outlawed.

Heston: (to Redford) Are you satisfied with that baseball sized rock?

Redford: Yes. I reckon I can pitch a strike with it.

Heston: That shows how much you know, you dumb hick. Good slinging rocks are flat, not round. (He quickly grabs a rock and slings it. The head of one of the Hitler’s comes off. Polite applause from the men.) Now you try.

One rock goes through the windshield of a general’s car. Another lands in the coffee cup of the camp commander. A third hits the rump of the cavalry commander’s horse causing the horse to run off dragging him from a stirrup. Another knocks down a barrage balloon. One hits a German sniper hiding in a tree. Knotts hits himself in the crotch. 2

They move to the live fire range. There is wire attached to posts two feet tall. The wires have some type of guts hanging on them.

Lancaster: Sarge, what’s that smell and what’s hanging on the wire?

Hartman: The smell comes from the pants of the last group that came through here. To make it more realistic we hang animal entrails on the wire. Since we were done with the monkeys…

Thomas throws up.

Hartman: You will crawl across this field under the wire. Do not lift your head above the wire under any circumstances. We will have machine guns firing over your heads.

Hartman stands off to the side with Jaeckel as the men crawl through. He nudges Jaeckel.

Hartman: Watch this. (He makes a gobbling noise. Johan Deaux lifts his head to look for the turkey and takes a bullet to the head. Nobody cares.) 3

Hartman: You did hear me tell them not to lift their head under any circumstances, didn’t you?

Jaeckel: Yup. It looks like I’ll be making another trip to the replacement depot to pick up some more Red Shirts.

At the end of a long day, the men double time back to the barracks. Hartman calls cadence.

We love working for FDR
Let’s us know just who we are
1-2-3-4
I love the commandoes
I don’t know but I’ve been told
Eskimo pies are mighty cold
Mmm good
Feel good
Are good
Real good
Taste good
Good for you
Good for me 4

1 - All Quiet on the Western Front (1979)
2 - Animal House
3 - Sergeant York
4 - Full Metal Jacket

Last edited by warmoviebuff; 15 Sep 13 at 12:38..
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EPISODE 8


The scene opens in the barracks. The men are sitting around talking. The misfits and the convicts are segregated. There is tension between the two groups. Nivens and Peck enter.

Peck: Ten shun!

Niven: At ease men. Gentlemen, your training is over and I feel you’ve earned a little reward. Normally we’d bus in some prostitutes, but we don’t have the funding. We were going to use the contents of the swear jar, but since Sgt. Hartman was exempt due to his job-related cursing, we did not raise enough money. Perhaps if this had not been a PG-13 movie. Instead, we are going to let you go into the local town. Of course, we expect you to behave yourselves and stay out of trouble. I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that you should refrain from alcohol and sex. I would suggest the cinema. They have a double bill featuring “Bataan” and “Sahara”. Go and take your minds off the suicidal nature of the mission. Oh, and they have an excellent library. Anyway, enjoy yourselves and be back for ten o’clock tonight.

The scene shifts to a quaint English village with a pub on every corner. The men head straight for the “Ale and Farewell”. Soon they are enjoying themselves immensely. Eastwood, Bronson, Johnson, Redford, and Quinn (the convicts) are playing strip poker. They are in various states of undress. Caine and McQueen are playing darts. Caine is using a switchblade. Two women are hanging on McQueen, making it difficult for him to throw the darts. Knotts has his face pressed up to the glass of the pub’s aquarium. Lancaster is debating the metric system with the bartender Mike Tyson. Thomas is gearing up for a match in the pub’s mud pit. On the pub’s stage, Ray is playing piano as local strumpet Lauren Bacall is draped over it drunkenly singing popular 1940s song “Do Your Ears Hang Low?”. She’s a bit hazy on the lyrics, however. Ray is shirtless, unfortunately she isn’t.


Bacall: "Do your boobs hang low?
Do they wobble to and fro?
Can you tie 'em in a knot?
Can you tie 'em in a bow?
Can you throw 'em o'er your shoulder
Like a continental soldier
Do your boobs hang low?"

Glenn Close walks in and approaches the bar. Lancaster offers to buy her a drink, but Redford pulls him away.

Redford: She’s my girl.

Lancaster: You convicts think you can steal anything.

Redford: It’s about time you misfits get put in your place.

The two groups are taking notice of this chance to settle their differences when a group of chimney sweeps comes barging into the pub. The toughest one pushes his way to the bar and drinks Lancaster’s pint.

Dick Van Dyke: You know what the problem is with you Yanks – you’re overpaid, oversexed, overbathed, and over here.

Lancaster: If we hadn’t promised to behave ourselves, you and your mates would be eating those brooms of yours. We might even put tooth paste on them.

Van Dyke: Chim chimery, douche bag.

At this point, Terry Thomas (mimicking Niven) yells: Attention misfits and convicts, I give you permission to brawl.

Knotts swings on the chandelier letting out a piercing yell, but misses Van Dyke and crashes into the mirror behind the bar. All Hell breaks loose. It’s a bonding experience as the misfits and convicts pull together to fight the chimney sweeps. Ray chest bumps a guy off the stage into the mud pit where Thomas sits on his head until he drowns. Redford is cracking heads with his bat while Close cheers each hit. McQueen hits a sweep named Harold in the eye with a dart. Lancaster and Eastwood are standing back to back taking on all comers. Quinn and Caine are working together to throw sweeps through the glass windows of the pub. Mike Tyson punches a guy who comes across his bar and then bites his ear off. Johnson is hiding under a table protecting his face. Jean Roe is stabbed by a broken broom handle. Nobody cares.

Bacall is still singing (while dodging beer mugs):
“Hitler has only got one ball,
Göring has two but they are very small,
Himmler has something sim'lar,
But poor old Goebbels has no balls at all.”

A whistle signals the arrival of MPs. The men scatter like cockroaches. They head for various other pubs including the “The Beer Hunter” and “Top Rum”. The misfits and convicts are now integrated and doing a lot of singing, off key. One group encounters Hartman as he weaves drunkenly down a sidewalk. They sneak up on him from behind, pull his forage cap over his eyes, and give him a massive wedgie. When the town clock strikes ten, all of the men board a bus back to the camp. When they arrive back at the barracks, Niven and Peck are waiting.

Niven (to Peck): Now we are ready.

Niven (to the men): All right, you flaggon-swilling bastards. You’ve had your fun, now get some rest. It’s the last rest before your eternal rest. Tomorrow we launch Operation Hell Hound.

The pub brawl is based on “The Devil’s Brigade”.
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